Preventing the Wound of Emotional Neglect

First posted to: https://surehopecounseling.com/preventing-the-wound-of-emotional-neglect/

Parenting can be very rewarding but let’s be honest – it’s rarely easy.  Most parents really love their children and desire to do the best they can in raising them.  Even those who are blessed with good physical and mental health still face seasons of issues: 

• Financial stressors
• Work and home responsibilities
• Extended family conflict
• Co-parenting disagreements
• Social media’s expectation of perfect 
• Maintaining who I am as a human separate from the parent title

Any combination of these issues can cause even the most committed parents to lose their way for a time and unintentionally neglect their kids’ emotional needs. Along with the stressors I listed before, some parents have added battles:

• Mental health
• Addiction
• Grief
• Trauma
• Their own emotional neglect

If not addressed, this landslide of difficulty can lead to a style of uninvolved parenting. Emotional neglect is hard to see from the child’s perspective because often, all basic and physical needs are met. “My parent always gave me everything I needed” is different from “I am confident in who I am because my parent covered me in emotional support.” Uninvolved parenting must be addressed because it is likely to create a wound from emotional neglect in the child. 

The Bible stresses the importance of our role as parents (Proverbs 22:6, Ephesian 6:4, Deuteronomy 6:6-7). Danny Huerta says to parents in his article Why Neglectful Parenting Falls Short (2022) that “Children need loving biblical guidance and positive interaction with you to mature and develop their character and personality.” 

Where do we start? I believe it starts with being spiritually and emotionally healthy ourselves.  We cannot parent our children to be something that we are not. That would be about as feasible as performing your first ever surgery from a YouTube video. But there’s good news! We can find our anchor in Christ.  When the waves of chaos come and try to toss us all around, we can hold tight to that anchor, keep our eyes on Jesus, and stay afloat. Isaiah 26:3 says, “You [God] will keep in perfect peace all who trust in you, all whose thoughts are fixed on you!” (NLT) We need to posture our hearts to receive nurturing from our Father God. He desires to nurture our souls and provide us with His love, comfort, and counsel.  Setting patterns of connecting with God will set us up to remain anchored in Him when life once again happens. Our children will learn to do the same. 

Don’t do life alone. In a culture of quiet solitude, we desperately need friends with which to foster healthy emotional connections and others, such as mentors or counselors, to help guide us on the path toward emotional health and healing.  Laura Gallier in her article Teen Defiance: Look for Emotional Wounds suggests that “When we’re tending to our own heart needs, we’re positioned to meet our kids’ heart needs.”   As in, “the more you care about yourself, love yourself, understand yourself, and value your emotional self, the more you’ll care, love, understand and value your children and their emotions.” (Dr. J. Webb & C. Musello, 2012, p. 183). 

Healthy involved parenting conveys clearly that “not only do I see you, but I delight in who you are.  I hear you, and what you’re saying matters to me.  I know you and fully accept you.  You do not need to hide in shame or perform to earn my love and acceptance” (Gallier, 2023).  These things can only be communicated through being available, unplugging from distractions and providing undivided attention, listening and affirming.  

Dive into Daniel Siegel and Tina Payne Bryson’s book The Power of Showing Up. They lean into the posture that helping a child to feel safe, seen, and soothed, will help them to feel secure.  Security will come when your child knows that they can count on you, that you have their back.  When they believe you will do whatever it takes to keep them safe.  When you will do your best to see them, especially their likes and dislikes. That you’ll be there to soothe them during their toughest times, not to rescue them or to get rid of the waves, but to “teach them to ride the waves when they come.” (2021, p.13).  Knowing that you will be there when they need you.  It’s not about perfection.  It’s about showing up, being all in, and relentlessly investing in your children’s lives day after day. 

I would like to leave you with an understanding that healthy parenting cannot focus solely on nurturing emotional connection. It is crucial to maintain clear and loving boundaries as well. Parents invest time in listening to their children and understanding them, seeking out their opinions, ideas, and worries.  Ensuring along the way to set clear guidelines for parental expectations while promoting an environment of mutual respect and honor.  Parental guidelines are thoroughly explained, often allowing feedback or even designed cooperatively.  Discipline is consistent, loving, and is provided as a means of support as opposed to being punitive. Do not confuse discipline with punishment! Children are encouraged to set and accomplish their own goals.  This Authoritative Parenting Style is often described as combining high expectations with high support in raising healthy, well-adjusted kids.  The beauty of leaning into this parenting style is that not only will your children thrive, but you will too.

-Mickey Jensen – learn more about working with Mickey here!

References

Gallier, L. (2023, February 15). Teen defiance? Look for emotional wounds. Focus on the Family. https://www.focusonthefamily.com/parenting/teen-defiance-look-for-emotional-wounds/

Huerta, D. (2022, September 2). Why neglectful parenting falls short. Focus on the Family. https://www.focusonthefamily.com/parenting/why-neglectful-parenting-falls-short/

Siegel, D. J., & Bryson, T. P. (2021). The power of showing up: How parental presence shapes who our kids become and how their brains get wired. Ballantine Books.

Webb, J. & Musello, C. (2012). Running on empty: Overcome your childhood emotional neglect. Morgan James Publishing.