First posted to: https://surehopecounseling.com/healing-from-shame/
“The ball is, as it were, in our court. God has invaded human history and reality. Jesus Christ has died on our behalf, is risen, and is now supervising events on earth toward an end that he will certainly bring to pass, to the glory of God. The issue now concerns what we will do.” – Dallas Willard, excerpted from Renovation of the Heart
On this side of eternity, everyone gets a spiritual formation from our parents/caretakers and our experiences in the world, whether good or bad. There is no escaping this reality, and, as many of us come to realize over time and with self-awareness, often there are more aspects of our formation that need to be unlearned instead of preserved and perpetuated.
Growth in Christian spiritual formation and healing from both family of origin wounds and wounds inflicted from simply being part of this world only happens when we recognize there are habits and sin patterns in our lives that need to be surrendered to Jesus or as Jesus states “If anyone would come after me, let him deny himself and take up his cross daily and follow me” (Luke 9:23). It’s important to note that dying to ourselves is not losing our identity, rather, it is becoming more of who God intends for us to be so we can experience more of His healing, love and flourishing design for being human. As we trust God to lead, we learn and desire to shed the habit patterns we’ve accumulated over our lifetime so that God’s grace can invade in powerful and beautiful ways.
What is often lurking strongly behind these patterns and wounds is shame, which is a universal experience. None of us can escape it. Shame is the deep primal enemy that you see in the Genesis story that sabotages relationships of love and at some level is the deepest fear a human being experiences. This fear is driven by the belief that if people really knew us authentically (no masking or hiding) that they would reject us and we would lose a loving connection and sense of belonging. It is also the fear that God deeply wants to heal and restore.
However, in order to heal from shame and reach a deep loving connection with God, ourselves and people we need to attend to and attune to the shame that is lurking inside and outside of us. This shame experience deforms every relationship we touch even though many of us want to feel deeply connected, loved and accepted.
Yet, it is important to recognize that shame is both the byproduct of sin and brokenness in our world and the cause of a lot of sin. It causes us to behave in ways within relationships that disconnect and break loving connections. It doesn’t allow us to look at ourselves honestly. We become alienated from ourselves and live at a surface level that is heavily influenced by deep primal energies that wreak havoc in our behavior.
Dr. Curt Thompson, a believer, psychiatrist, speaker and author of, “The Anatomy of the Soul” has aimed his life at helping people form deep relationships and live fully integrated lives. From his research he has identified shame as a neurophysiological signal that we pick up which communicates to us that something is wrong or off. However, long before we receive this signal we feel shame in our chests, faces and bodies. We will also turn away from people (turning body in and away) and the result often is a thwarting in creativity, connection and intimacy.
Experiences of shame can powerfully prevent us from living set apart lives as disciples of Christ as well as leaning into ongoing sanctification and enjoying beauty and goodness in the world. Thompson believes that at every turn this experience of shame makes it difficult for people to live the life that they claim they want as Jesus followers.
Due to shame being at some level a physiological response to our experience(s), it is important to recognize ways we as humans implement coping strategies and responses with the hope of overcoming shame. While they can certainly be compliments and aids, they are not what will truly heal the deep roots of shame. Self-empowerment; positive affirmation; and “bulldozing” our way through utilizing right beliefs, teaching and truth can be helpful, but they do not penetrate deep enough into our brains and bodies. We can know true theology and not deeply believe it due to our wounds. Our narratives and wounding are often so deep within our bodies that we are unaware of them, but we see them play a large role in driving much of our self-destructive and self-sabotaging behavior. We often do not behave in these ways at a conscious level, and these beliefs cannot be healed by self-help books, scripture verses, sermons and podcasts all trying to address shame.
So, what do we do to start healing from shame? So much of this healing happens within safe and trusting relationships/community versus western style learning. As humans, we are both wounded and shamed relationally. We heal, reconcile and rejuvenate relationally, but this requires our willingness and has risks.
Is there one relationship we can choose where our stories get told?
Dr. Thompson shared that shame is often resolved when we tell our stories and we sense the listener coming closer and showing curiosity rather than turning away. When our stories and shame are met with care rather than disregarded (dismissing, ignoring, acting like it doesn’t exist), it helps us to feel seen and accepted even when shame is at full throttle. Amazingly, Dr. Thompson’s research shows that a birth of new neural network activity within the brain (new mind) occurs through a relational interaction (body to body healing).
Just like God so diligently and lovingly seeks after us, He has created a way of experiencing healing from shame and wounding that emulates His love, compassion, and graciousness through relationships. He wants us to heal deeply and experience spiritual formation and growth in a holistic way that demonstrates His immense care and consideration for us. He wants us to live and walk in freedom not bondage.
Prayer
Gracious God, please help us to want to deny ourselves and surrender the places in us that keep us from more fully living in your love, healing, grace, and Kingdom. We want to heal from our shame and wounding so we can experience more of your intention for us and flourishing design for our lives. In Jesus’s mighty and beautiful name. Amen.
-Carlyn Wood – learn more about working with Carlyn here!
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