First posted to: https://surehopecounseling.com/grieving-the-parents-we-needed/
Many people have heard of the concept of “filling your cup,” whether this refers to self-care, relationships, finding joy, etc. “My cup is full” is something people often say when they feel that all of their needs are met. Consider this example: a child, in different ways, will hold out their proverbial cup, waiting for it to be filled with love, attention, safety, and care. The job of a child’s parents is to fill that cup. Some parents can do this with ease; others fill the cup with a slow dribble. Some cause it to spill and need to refill it, while others are too wounded to fill it at all. As adults, we may still be holding this cup out for our parents to fulfill those needs, feeling heartbroken that they may never be able to fill it in the way we need. Because of this, often as adults, we need to spend time grieving the parents we needed.
Scripture is a perfect guide for how we are to think and behave rightly in our lives and in our relationships; however, people have indeed misinterpreted the command to “honor thy mother and thy father” (Exodus 20:12; Ephesians 6:1-4) to mean that we cannot acknowledge unmet needs. The goal of this post is to encourage adult children to honor their parents while simultaneously appropriately grieving empty or shallow cups.
From a psychological perspective, there are a number of unmet needs that one could experience. If we consider attachment theory, we can look at some unmet emotional needs (ABCs+ model):
- Acceptance: that one is accepted and loved, flaws and all.
- Belonging: a sense of connection and security in a relationship; that one is desired in a relationship.
- Comfort: a feeling of emotional safety during distress; emotional attunement.
- Safety: a sense of protection and support in a relationship where one can express themselves fully without fear of rejection, criticism, or manipulation.
When these needs are not met, it can create a sense of anxiety, insecurity, depression, low self-esteem, feelings of shame/unworthiness, etc. personally and in relationships. If this is you, know that the Lord sees you.
So how can we heal from this? How can we appropriately grieve the parents we needed, but move forward with confidence and wholeness?
Reparenting Your Inner Child
What does this mean, and why does it sound so abstract? The reality is that in counseling, much of the work that we do is recognizing childhood wounds and addressing each one from a perspective of compassion, validation, and truth. As Christians, we can allow God to “reparent” us spiritually and emotionally through the gift of the Holy Spirit, His gentle, compassionate, and attentive character, and through community support wherein truth and love are shared. Allowing God to be your Father is biblically accurate and confirms what we know to be true psychologically. Let’s look at what scripture says:
- 2 Corinthians 6:18 – “I shall be a Father to you, and you shall be my sons and daughters.”
- Romans 8:15-16 – “You received the Spirit of adoption… and by him we cry, ‘Abba, Father.’”
- Psalm 68:5-6 –“The Lord is like a father to his children, tender and compassionate to those who fear him.”
These scriptures remind us that we have Divine belonging, can be grounded in God’s nurturing compassion, that our deepest attachment is with an Almighty God, and that the Lord fills the gap of our imperfect parents.
Finding Freedom in Forgiveness
All over the Bible, we are encouraged to forgive those who have wronged us because of what Jesus did for us on the cross (Ephesians 4:32; Colossians 3:13), but we can be clear about what forgiveness looks like, especially when your parents may not be asking for it or repenting. For this particular situation, freedom can come from releasing what your parents could not give you. This does not mean that we ignore the realities of living life with a dismissive/aggressive/critical/distant parent, but rather, naming the hurt and allowing God to soften your heart toward them as a fellow sinner. This can sound something like this:
- “My mom was critical and it impacted my self-worth; I realize her self-criticism was projected onto me.”
- “My dad showed love the best he could. It wasn’t what I needed, but I know he loved me.”
- “My parents’ anger toward me was unfair; I can see that they did not want to parent this way but did not know how to make it right.”
Releasing the hurt and allowing God to make it right on your parents’ behalf will not only relieve you of a grudge, but will allow God’s grace to be sufficient to make up for your deficiencies as well as your parents’ (2 Corinthians 12:9). You can still live with compassion and boundaries. Let God fill in the gaps. Christian forgiveness is full of paradox–it is about releasing injustice and unfairness to allow for the restoration of spirit and mind.
If you’re grieving the parents you needed today, I encourage you to allow God to be your perfect parent. He is good, righteous, just, full of compassion and mercy, and He is love. You will have every need met in your Good Father who sees, a Savior who understands our suffering, and a Spirit who restores.
-Mary Shea – learn more about Mary’s seminars and offerings here!
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