First posted to: https://surehopecounseling.com/healing-from-the-achievement-focused-parent-finding-your-worth-beyond-performance/
Growing up with a parent who measured love and approval through achievement can leave deep, invisible marks. Whether it was grades, sports, appearance, or career milestones, the message was often subtle but clear: You are valued for what you do, not who you are.
This kind of upbringing can create adults who are highly capable, driven, and successful, but also chronically anxious, self-critical, and disconnected from their own desires. The applause may have felt good in the moment, but the fear of failure and the hunger for approval can linger long after childhood ends.
When a parent focuses heavily on accomplishment, they may unintentionally teach that mistakes are unacceptable and rest is laziness. Love can feel conditional, dependent on performance. As a child, you may have learned to work harder, hide weaknesses, and suppress emotions that didn’t align with the image of “success.” As an adult, this can show up as struggling to rest without guilt, a constant inner critic that says you’re never doing enough, fear of trying something new unless you can excel, difficulty accepting love without “earning” it.
The good news is that God’s love isn’t earned, it’s freely given. Ephesians 2:8-9 reminds us, “For by grace you have been saved through faith… it is the gift of God, not a result of works, so that no one may boast.” Your value isn’t in what you produce, but in being His beloved child.
Psalm 139:14 declares, “I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made.” God’s delight in you existed before your first report card, trophy, or job promotion. His love is not performance-based, it’s rooted in His character and His choice to create and redeem you.
Beginning the Healing Process
1. Name the Pattern – Reflect on where performance and approval were linked in your upbringing. Did you feel more accepted after success? Identifying this helps you reject the lie that worth is tied to achievement.
2. Redefine Success Biblically – Success isn’t measured by worldly accolades but by faithfulness to God (Micah 6:8). Write down what you believe God calls you to value—like love, humility, and trust in Him.
3. Practice Grace Toward Yourself – Romans 8:1 says, “There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus.” When the inner critic surfaces, remind yourself of God’s grace.
4. Allow Imperfection – God’s strength is made perfect in weakness (2 Corinthians 12:9). Choosing to be imperfect in small ways can retrain your heart to rest in His approval, not others’.
5. Seek Godly Support – Surround yourself with believers who remind you of your identity in Christ. Hebrews 10:24-25 calls us to encourage one another toward love and good deeds.
Moving Toward Wholeness
Healing from an achievement/perfectionistic-focused parent isn’t about rejecting ambition—it’s about anchoring your identity in Christ, not performance. When your motivation flows from love for Him, you can work hard without fear and rest without guilt.
You are not a project to be perfected. You are a child of God to be loved, forever secure in the finished work of Christ (John 19:30).
-Callie Gross, MA, LMFT, CTP – learn more about working with Callie here!
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